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| NEW BLOG <3
http://www.xanga.com/wonderifwonderingwhether
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| I've been unbelievably confused these days. For over a week actually. It's beginning to affect my life, even though my state of mind has been somewhat pleasant.
Okay, I hate the way I'm writing. As if I'm telling a story. Okay, change. This is hard. I can't pour it all out. I can't even talk to anyone about it. It's this ball of confusion which is becoming part of every part of my life.
We know nothing. We as humans..There is actually close to nothing that we know with certainty. Yes, with math and the scientic way of thinking, there is a lot of logic involved but even then..they don't work 100% of time. The theories, are simply that, theories. Nothing is certain. We know nothing. Seems like I've become very pessimistic. But, even as individuals we have very little knowledge about ourselves, about the people around us. The fundamental point in all of this is perspective, which is gained from how one percieves things. And things are percieves according to the personality we are (if there is such a thing), but two people who have been brought up in exactly the same environment, will see the same thing very differently, or even be in the same room but notice completely different things. In this manner, even the way we interpret things become biased. Everything is subjective. We will never reach objective reality, if that's even important.
Now that the central key in my confusedness is this. Where do emotions play in? Are our emotions worth anything, if they are trully accurately recognized to begin with?
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| I use my camera more than my cell phone.
The Thriller was the best dance ever.
Movies are better when they're based off a true story.
I've played UNO Attack.
I take showers at night instead of in the morning.
I'd rather freeze to death than be burned alive.
Heights are one of my biggest fears.
I've collected stickers.
There's a mirror in this room.
I'm still friends with the same people I was with in grade school.
I haven't had a birthday party for a couple years.
I'm more of a cat person than a dog person.
I have used a fanny pack.
My favorite flower is a rose.
I play a sport for the school team.
I am a Christian.
My bedroom is really small.
I've bought something from Aeropostale.
I'm hungry.
I have a charger for my double A batteries.
My printer is a Lexmark.
Ice cream is my favorite dessert.
I have never been fishing.
I have had Dial Up at one time in my life.
I have family in another country.
I've played soccer.
I am afraid of clowns.
I like using foam soap.
I like grapes.
Vanilla is my favorite scent.
My computer is a Dell.
I'm wearing blue.
I want to be a doctor.
I watch Spongebob.
I have blonde hair.
I own a PS2.
My walls are white.
Black is my favorite color.
I use ketchup with my chicken.
I would like to make a new friend this year.
I was sad at the ending of POTC3.
But I still liked it.
I like pop music.
I own a car.
I play card games all the time.
I enjoy taking my dog for walks.
I have an older brother.
Panic! At the Disco has really catchy music.
But they suck live.
I do my hair before school.
I wear very little make-up.
I am Irish. <small part
Believe it or not, High School Musical really is a cute movie.
I've cleaned my room in the past week.
I'm pretty tall.
I'm a senior this year.
I wear Converse.
I'm in love.
Sunny weather is my favorite.
Applesause tastes good.
I get mostly C's in school.
I can count to 20 in Spanish.
That Girlfriend song by Avril Whatshername is really annoying.
I'd been told that I'm very weird.
Most of the people at my school are very nice.
I have eaten lamb.
I am a fast typer.
I played Halo and enjoyed it.
I love Chinese food. | | |
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I just felt like I needed to do this.
You don't have to read this. Totally understand . < 3
To my so called friends - When are you going to deal with your issues? It's thanks to those issues that your whole life is so messed up. Or maybe you don't even realize it is messed up, you're so busy being fake. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care...if you opened up to me, I'm always there. Then why build walls around yourself, why let your ego be in the way? This is not my job anymore, this is what I've been doing for the past years and months and days on end, but you didn't notice how unhappy I was. I doubt we really ever were friends, maybe I just needed someone to sit with. It's sad, all those memories, but really not worth anything. What have you become, or were you always this way? I guess I'm finally realizing it now. You're artificial, you're just people. I hate to say it, but I never was...you just didnt realize. And sadly, neither did I...till now.
To Ayumi - What ever happened to you, to us? Why didn't you ever realize what I was, why did you make me try and try and try and try to be friends with you? Why did you make me feel so low, so unhappy, so displeased with who I was? It seems like the tables have turned, my friend. After years of wanting to be close to you, to rekindle the closeness we once had...I no longer care. And here we are, with you wanting what I did a year ago. I can't help but wonder whether it's merely because of envy..envy of my happiness. I hope you get over your issues some day, but not really. If you can't deal with your issues, issues that aren't even real issues after years and years, then you deserve it. Stop being so insecure.
To my parents - I don't have much to say, it's not like I'm dying. Thanks, really, for everything. Hopefully I've not given you regret the decisions you've made.. I hope you're happy, really happy...not pretending to get on and move on and just be content. If I could, I'd like to repay you for everything. Someday.
To my boyfriend - What can I say? In less than two months, you barged into my life, became my best friend. And I now I wonder how I managed anything before you. I like how we're not a conventional couple, how we're shy to talk and meet at school when everyone's watching, I like all the texts you send me, how you call and I don't pick up when I'm showering, how you try to work early so we can talk late into the night, how I don't have to say things but you just understand. I'll remember it all, tell it as stories of the good old days, I guess we were just different, awkward, unconventional from normalcy. And finally, finally, I've appreciated that part of me..when I'm with you. For the first time, I don't want to fit in..I like that I'm weird, that I am what I am. Thank you for seeing that and showing me that.
To Fon (my very recent, very awesome friend)- I judged you. I did, I apologize. I thought you were one of those rich girls who were spoilt and dumb. But every conversation we have, I just love you all that much more. I can't believe how close we've become so quickly. And you too, thank you for liking me for my weirdness. I feel the lack of your presence every moment you're not there. It's unfortunate, not really, that we're so different from everyone else. That we don't fit in with our friends - thank god we have each other. I tell you, one day, you and me and him...we'll change the world.
To Nabeela - I've known you since I was four. I've seen you in every shape size form mood, when you were happy sad miserable, depressed. And the more I know you, the more I am grateful to know you...to have you as my best friend. You always make me feel like myself again, you were the only one there for me in the darkest moments, when I really didn't want to do anything ever again. You're like blood, my sister practically. I know that this friendship, will be the kind that lasts a lifetime.
To Sanjana - How can I begin? I've known you for ages, but have only this year...become close to you. It was stupid really, and I don't know why. I can't do without you though, I hope you know that. You're such a strong person, with so many traits that I admire...I swear, this world is not good enough for you. I want to thank you for liking me for me, and that I know we'll be friends even after high school. I hope you get everything you ever desire, that you find the friends you deserve, the boy who will have won the lottery being with you.
To Chanchanok - I think it was you that was the enzyme to my transformation. From a passive follower, I gained the confidence to be active, to be independent. You've tested me in every possible way, making me realize what it is to accept someone...and I'm glad you gave me the chance to accept you. I wouldn't be where I am now without you, so happy, so content, so in love with life, without you. I love how you realize you're human and accept your flaws, I love how you choose who to love even those society and everyone you love tells you not to. I love your personality, dont ever change.
To my brother - I love you dumbass. I'd swim across an ocean for you.
God- Screw you. You've killed BILLIONS because of this illusion made in your name. I can't believe people are stupid enough to believe in you.
Books - Without you, I would have died years ago. Really. The pages within you have filled all those lonely nights, and really, are responsible for what I am today. I am a sum of all the words I've read.
Self - Please don't ever change. Stay true to your belief, constantly keep faith in yourself..and don't ever waver whatever others say. Appreciate your weirdness, you are unique. I'm glad you finally see that. There are way too many stupid, vain, lame, selfish, self-obsessed people in the world - if they don't see you, they clearly don't deserve you. Always be with those who make you happy. And for god's sake, do what you WANT. Don't ever, ever EVER lose your idealism.
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| Definitely a dog person.
Cats seem sly and evil, like they're studying you.
Why so much attitude?
Dogs are friendly. And don't stare.
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